Odd jokes

-Ever herd of the labyrinth of death. Once we got down there to explore only to learn that it was a old retired wizard who did not wont to be bothers by door salesmen.

-Oh, i remember this one time we met a bear that was a duke.

-Once we had to clear a dungeon made by ourselfs while we where drunk, we woke up in the middle not remembering enything and without most of our equipment. We swore to never get that drunk again. That promise lasted about a week.

-There was this time we met a human comander who was also a shepard and hanged out with theeas realy weird half demon beeings i think they where. Decent armor on all of them as well, they where probably hi level al of them.

-hi there, let me tell you about the time w found this cursed weding ring. Everybody wanted it, we had to travel half acros contry to find this forge it was made in to destroy it. Don't kniw what the fuzz was all about, all it did was making you invisseble. That's so overated.

-have I told you about the time we made a trip to this weird country where everyone was a ninja. Funny thing is that they where less covert then a elephant jaced up on helthpotions. None of them could probably hide if thir life depended on it. But insted they had put all thair efort into breaking the laws of physics. Especially this one brat who whore a brigth orange overal and shouted constantly. Ninjas my as belive it.

-I have never told enyone else this, but this one time me and the boys Borrowed the kings armory. Of course we put it back as soon as we where done.

-You should know, size do not always matter, once we had this group here, and their leader had like, the biggest I've ever seen. It probably took both hands to hold it somewhat steady. And I you ever put it on the table it would cave in under the weight. Stop staring at me, I'm talking about his sword. It was this enormus thing. He had this weird emo clothing to go with it and a yellow cone for hair. His name was something with the weather, Rain? Clouds?

-There are all kinds of odballs out in the world, one groupp we once had here wa made up by a dog human with a shield, a wizard duck and a kid with a gigantick key for a sword. And thats only the eith most weird group we ever served here.

-Stay a while, and listen. Wishing spells are a thing to keep away from. You almost always word them wrong and end up with some thing you never want. Only people with 20p in law ever try something so stupid.

-You should always keep safe out there, even the most simple thing could be anoing or even dangerus. I once met this old man who garded a bridge and he would not let me pass.

-It's dangerous out there, take this! Is what he said and then gave me a sword. Of course it is dangerous if people just hand wepons to every joe they ever met

-We once visited this iland contry where the king had gained power from drawing a sword from a stone. No idea why anyone would make sutch a simple chalenge, enyone with strength 20, explosive or miningskills could have gotten that thing.

-An Archmage with a drinking problem has a brilliant idea: he animates his shoes so that no matter how stinking drunk he gets, the shoes will always be able to lead him home. And for a month or so, this works wonderfully. But soon, he finds himself waking up in strange places he begins drinking in Eversink and wake up in Gaunt, or the Underdark, or Sigil. Finally he realizes that the shoes had gotten bored with just going back to his home every night, and had become adventurers. This won’t do at all. He sells the shoes. They come back. He gives the shoes away. They come back. He opens a portal to Elemental Fire, and tosses the shoes in. They don’t come back. Soon the archmage starts to feel guilty. After all, he’d given the shoes life, and then casually destroyed them when they became inconvenient. So he searches out all the greatest clerics on the face of the world, hoping for some way to ease his guilt. Finally, a half-mad hermit tells him that he doesn’t need to worry – the shoes entered the Seven Heavens immediately,a nd are enjoying eternal bliss. Because it turns out, shoes have souls.

-A guy wearing black robes and reeking of the grave walks into the tavern. Strangely the man is being strangled by a severed hand. The bartender mumbles “We don’t serve no death mages here…” The guy in the robes gasps and mangages to whisper, “One drink…” The bartender looks at the poor guy shakes his head and says “Ok, one. What will you have” The customer says “Make it a stiff one” As he says stiff the hand seems to squeeze harder. The bartender puts out a Mug of Ale. “It’s pretty strong, made it myself”. The guy in robes gasps “Stiffer!”. The barkeep puts out a Elven Wine. “Stiffer!” The guy in robes is starting to pass out. The barkeep quickly runs to the cellar and gets a flask of dwarven whiskey. When he runs up the guy in the robes is on one knee. The barkeep wants to honor this guys last request so he pours him a shot and hands it to the guy in robes. The necromancer pours it on the hand and it falls to the ground. The mage regains his composure, throws some gold on the bar and leaves with the hand following behind him. The bartender yells after him “That was amazing, what was that all about” To which the necromancer says, “It takes a potent spirit to control the dead.”

-A skeleton walks into a bar and ask the Bartender: “Do you serve skeletons here?” Times being what they are the wily Bartender replies: “sure, we serve anyone.” The skeleton hands the man a silver and says: “Fine, I’ll have a pitcher of beer…and a mop”

-An animated Rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The 1/2 Orc bartender says gruffly: “We don’t serve Animated ropes in here – now get out!” Dejected the rope leaves. 5 rounds later, the rope returns wearing a bad disguise: one end has all the strands unraveled resembling a blonde wig, and the other end tied up in a bow. The savvy Bartender is not fooled. Enraged he says: Hey! Are you that animated rope I kicked out of here just a few rounds ago?! To which the rope smoothly replies: Nope, I’m a frayed knot…

How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword? Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to write a song about it so that when the first elf is done, four hundred years later, they’ll remember whose sword it was.

-An elf, a human, and a dwarf are sitting in a bar. The barmaid brings them their drinks, and each happens to have a fly in it. The elf pushes away his elfwine, "I will not drink this." The human fishes the fly out of his ale, crushes it, and takes a swallow. The dwarv carefully flys the fly out of his whiskey, gentle puts it on the rim of the mug, and bellows "All right, spit it out!"

-A bard who specializes in ventrioloquism is performing in a tavern, doing several jokes about how dumb half-orcs are. A very large, very mean-looking half-orc in the back of the room stands up and growls, "I'm sick of everyone making fun of half-orcs and saying we're stupid." The bard begins to apologize for offending the half-orc. The half-orc says, "Sir, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the little smart-a** sitting in your lap."

-Once upon a time. I meet this old man who could -You so won't belive this. -Ever heard of the

Q: Why do dwarven bards sound better by candlelight? A: You can shove the wax in your ears.

How many Elves does it take to light a candle? A. Three: one to sing, one to dance, one to summon the spiritual guardian of joyous flame forth into the realm material.

Zombies just can’t dance. They haven’t got any soul.

Q: How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword? A: Three, one to do the sharpening, one to compose an epic poem about it, and one to complain about how it was better before.

Q: "How many Call of Cthulhu investigators does it take to change a lightbulb?"

A1: All of them, don't split up the party! A2: What, go out there? In the dark?!!! A3: Three, one to change the lighbulb, one to hold the ladder, and one to keep watch with a shotgun. A4: Sorry, they all died when the light went out.

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-During a large chase against an enemy that tries to escape, people are quite calm while fixing their things, one even sugest to take a nap first. You ask why they take it so easy, They say that time just work odd like that, but if you feal like such a hurry, you can run after him yourself.

-Death is only as finite as you inability to gain friends and allies that wish to bring you back. But old age is a harder thing to concore as death have at least some words to say in the mather.

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init: $ timer_range = 0 $ timer_jump = 0

label start:

$ time = 15 $ menu_slow = renpy.random.randint(1, 3) $ timer_jump = 'awnser_slow1'

h "So what class you going to chose?"

menu: "Warior": h "You chose warrior." "mage": h "You chose mage."

label awnser_slow1:

$ time = 5 $ menu_slow = renpy.random.randint(1, 3) $ timer_jump = 'awnser_slow1'

if menu_slow == 1: h "Are you there?" elif menu_slow == 2: h "Do you take me for an NPC?" else: h "Away from keyboard are we?"

menu: "Warior": h "You chose warrior." "mage": h "You chose mage."

$ total_playtime = renpy.get_game_runtime

(come on, there are like 3 optioins is there not?) (What? Your trying to see what option gets into my pants?) (Are you looking at the guidebook again?) (Don't you even have the decensy to pouse the game at least?) (I must say, you have already played this game for %(total_playtime)&, maybe you should take a brake?)